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The Colbert Report

John Grisham News/Business. John Grisham. (2012) Author John Grisham. (CC)




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Donald Trump 4, Obama 3, Mr. Trump 2, Nation 1, Libya 1, Obama 's White 1, Chicago 1, Benghazi 1, Obama Administration 1, Us 1, Anthony Everitt 1, Mohammed 1, Miller 1, Lance Armstrong 1, Peter Johnson 1, Dopingcandal 1, Colbert 1,
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  Comedy Central    The Colbert Report    John Grisham  News/Business. John  
   Grisham.  (2012) Author John Grisham. (CC)  

    October 29, 2012
    7:00 - 7:30pm PDT  

[ laughter ] and my guest anthony everitt is an expert on ancient roman culture. or so he claims-- anyone who could contradict him is dead! [ laughter ] only seven days until halloween! but i tell my kids it's ten. i get some great deals on costumes. [ laughter ] this is the colbert report! ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] welcome to the report. good to have you with us.
[cheers and applause] happy wednesday. folks, let's get straight to it. we have no time to waste here because -- folks, huge news. we're always looking to bring you the biggest election story. and rumors started monday about a game-changing october surprise. >> donald trump now claims to have a bombshell announcement about president obama. >> a major announcement from donald trump coming today, and why it might change your vote in the presidential election. >> i have something very very big. it's very big. bigger than anyone would know. it's going to be very big, i know one thing-- you will cover it in a very big fashion. >> stephen: yes, board up your windows, stock up on canned meats --this will be the biggest, classiest, most devastating election game-changer in the human history of time. okay? think teapot dome, only the teapot is encrusted with gold and we're using diamond tea bags.
[ laughter ] the speculation was rampant. was it the long-rumored obama divorce papers? proof that obama's white half is also black? [ laughter ] no, even bigger. trump dropped a ten-mega-trump bombshell. >> if barack obama opens up and gives his college records and applications; and if he gives his passport applications and records; i will give to a charity of his choice-- inner city children in chicago, american cancer society, aids research, anything he wants-- a check, immediately, for five million dollars. one caveat: the records must be given by october 31st at 5:00 in the afternoon. >> stephen: that's right. he has to have it by 5:00 on halloween.
[ laughter ] because that night he's renting out his enormous orange head as a jack-o-lantern. [cheers and applause] [ laughter ] folks, with donald trump, it's not about him. it's about helping. >> frankly, it's a check that i very much want to write. mr. president, not only will i be happy, and by the way totally satisfied, but the american people will be happy and you know what? those charities will be very happy. >> stephen: nation, i am so moved by this generous offer that i have an offer of my own. right over here. mr. trump, i will write you a check for one million dollars
from colbert super pac-- you know i've got it-- to the charity of your choice. anything: save the children, feed the children, put the children on child apprentice, whatever. one million dollars -- if you will let me dip my balls in your mouth. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] but this dipping has to be to -- and i hope you are listening carefully mr. trump, this dipping has to be to my and more importantly my balls' satisfaction. okay? [ laughter ] one caveat: my balls must be in your mouth by no later than 5:00 p.m. october 31st. okay? [cheers and applause] [ laughter ] my balls have a thing that night. [ laughter ]
nothing would make me happier than to write this check. and nothing would make america happier than to have something going into your mouth instead of something coming out. [cheers and applause] let's do this for the kids. but there's an issue in this election even bigger than donald trump. it's libya. you see, on september 11, the american consulate in benghazi was attacked. four americans including our ambassador were killed. following this tragedy president obama announced an investigation and promised to bring those responsible to justice. but it appeared that the administration was witholding information to avoid being blamed for a terrorist attack on their watch right before the election. this has left some troubling questions. questions that fox news has not been afraid to ask 24 hours a day for the last six weeks.
>> who is to blame for% this? >> what happened with the intelligence? >> what went wrong, why was the intelligence not recognized and acted upon? >> special report. who did this and how? should our government have seen it come something in did president obama try to hide the truth? is this a huge scandal that exposes a failed obama foreign policy? or is mitt romney just saying it is? >> stephen: why didn't our consulate have more security? why was the intelligence so slow to come out? and more importantly, if you put a statement in the form of a question, is it journalism? [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] so why did the administration imply these attacks were incited by a youtube video that insults the prophet mohammed? would anyone else like to chime in? >> why, why would he -- he and his administration -- speak
repeatedly about that little video and with such authority and certainty? >> why would they come up with the video? >> are we really going to blame a video? [ laughter ] >> stephen: how could a video possibly incite violence? jimmy, why don't we watch it? ♪ >> stephen: why has my network forbidden me to show that video? did obama get to them? [ laughter ] or is there some other question i should be asking? [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] >> did the president, did his team, call this an act of terror from the start? why do you think they have such trouble saying that? >> does the obama administration have a problem callling it terror? >> >> stephen: why didn't they call it terror right away? and don't you miss the bush administration, when we knew exactly how afraid to be thanks to a color-coded scale that changed based on threats they often wouldn't explain? hey, what's that noise? did you hear something?
don't you feel safer now that i've told you there might be something to be afraid of? or are we not scared enough of terror because president obama might not be telling us enough to be terrified about? did i have time to wash my hands just now? it didn't seem like it, did it? speaking of filth, are there more heinous assertions we could be pulling out of our ass? >> here's the other question. and there are so many other questions we need to ask -- did we trade off-- and i have no evidence of this-- did we trade off the life of our ambassador and three other americans for that crowd? -- were these people expendable as part of a mideast foreign policy? >> stephen: while we're throwing around accusations with no evidence, what was president obama's role in 9/11? what was his role in lance armstrong's dopingcandal? laughter ]
even more troubling, why does peter johnson, jr., have a name that's three euphemisms for penis? [ laughter ] and could this just be a complicated and tragic situation that the obama administration wants to put the best possible face on for political reasons, and that the romney campaign wants to put the worst possible face on for their own political reasons? and is there anything wrong with that? and is there anything more to say about this story, or are we on a metaphorical treadmill? [ laughter ] and is that bad for our metaphorical knees? should we be using a metaphorical elliptical? [ laughter ] but ultimately, the question is, how many questions do we have to ask before voters forget president obama killed bin laden? [cheers and applause] we'll be right back. pñú(
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